I just recently became a mother. That says a lot. My life has changed in insurmountable ways. It is the most amazing adventure I have ever been a part of. It is hard. It is tiring. It is beautiful. It is unpredictable. It is real.
As a new mom, there are days where I barely get my teeth brushed before the crying ensues. There are days where I realize that the smell of spit up is not the baby….it’s me. There are days where I look in the mirror and wonder who the exhausted woman is looking back at me. There are days where I forget to put on deodorant. There are days where I beam with the greatest joy I have ever experienced. There are days where I wait by the window for thirty minutes pleading for my hunk of a husband to pull in the driveway so that I can have a break. There are days that I wait for hours just to go to the bathroom. There are days where I take 20 pictures of my child because she is just so beautiful. There are days where I laugh and smile. There are days where I cry.
I am not ashamed to say that I cry…a lot. I cry because I see my daughter and am so incredibly in love with the tiniest human. I cry because I am tired but have to keep going because she needs me more than anyone has ever needed me before. I cry because I am afraid of making mistakes. I cry because I am scared that I will not know what to do; I cry because I don’t know what to do a lot of the time. I cry because she cries. I cry because I’m so blessed to be a mother and I know it is an incredible honor. I cry because she knows the sound of my voice and the touch of my hand. I cry because she remembers my heartbeat. I cry because it is all different than it was before. I cry because sometimes it is all that I know to do.
A few nights ago I was in her room rocking her to sleep and as she was falling asleep in my arms I began to pray over her. I cried as I prayed because I realized that i was a mother praying to my Father over my daughter…..it was breathtaking! As I prayed, I referred to a wall in her room that is adorned with a prayer that we speak over her on a daily basis. It reads “You are a child of God. You are dearly loved, wonderfully made, and precious in His sight. Before God made you, He knew you. There is no one like you.” As I claimed this over her life I began to weep. I wept because I heard a still small voice inside of me say “That goes for you too, Dani.” It was as though God knew that I had forgotten.
I had forgotten. I had forgotten that above any label or role ever placed on my life, however good or bad, that I will be first and foremost “A CHILD OF GOD!” It is somehow easier for me to believe that she is dearly loved, wonderfully made, and precious in His sight than it is for me to believe that those same principles apply to me. I am no less His child than she is. I just have to remember what it feels like to be a child….His child.
I have to remember what it means to be held in the arms of my Father. I have to remember what it is to be provided for and taken care of by my Father. I have to remember what His voice sounds like. I have to remember the beat of His heart and the touch of His hand. It is not that I have to remember because He stopped doing these things…..no, I have to remember because somehow life has swept me away to a place where I stopped noticing. I have stopped noticing all of the big and small ways that God pours out His love to me.
Today, I want to notice every little noise and move my precious little one makes. I want to pick her up and hold her at every whimper. I want to be exactly what she needs at every moment. If I, as a mother, want these things for my daughter then how much more does God want for me as the perfect Father? That thought alone stops me in my tracks. I notice her…..everything about her. So surely that means, that He notices me…..everything about me. And as He continues to notice me, I want to notice more of Him. I want to make note of all of the graces that God affords me. I want to notice all the moments that He provides and consumes me with His love. I want to see Him in the most unsuspecting places and the most unexpected times.
I want to remember that I am a child of God. Before I was a daughter to my parents, a sister to my siblings, a niece, a granddaughter, a friend, a student, a teacher, a wife, or a mother……I was a CHILD OF GOD. I want to remember that. I want to live that. Because I AM that!
Photo Credit: Shiann Bradley Photography